How to Find Your Soft Side and Still Say No
If I was an inmate, then by today, I would have three-strikes. I am going to jail for the third time. But I am not an inmate. I volunteer again to speak with the inmates. The women I will meet today are behind bars, and once I was behind bars as well–bars of my own heart, in my home.
Same routine. Waking up at 6am on a Saturday instead of sleeping in, making my coffee to go and driving to the east side of LA, trying to avoid any bridges (I have a fear of driving on bridges, but this is a story for another time). From my previous time in jail, I knew to dress warmer. I just didn’t know it would be the theme of my visit with a hundred inmates. Warmer.
I arrive at Jail. I wait for the coordinator Lauri (faux name) outside of the grey cement building to enter me inside. Walking through the corridors of jail, through heavy security, I already feel the cold, isolation and the harshness of life. I exchange information with the sheriff who is sitting behind the bulletproof window and receive my special guest badge for today, which took three months to obtain.
And then, fear.
Not the fear of the inmates, or anything that might happen in terms of safety, but fear of what a free woman like me can possibly give women behind bars with their unknown and scary lives ahead of them.
Then, it was all clear to me. I will bring the one thing I know these women lack, maybe since the time some of them were born. It is a gift that I received from my extensive, deep work on my shadow side that I do lately with the incredible coach Mariah Sievers . Softness.
We are the women of the new era: strong, efficient, goal-oriented, powerful and, do-it-all. What moves us forward in achieving our goals is determination and focus. This is how sometimes, we lose our softness. We lose being in the feminine, we lose our faith.
Not the fear of the inmates, or anything that might happen in terms of safety, but fear of what a free woman like me can possibly give women behind bars with their unknown and scary lives ahead of them.
Then, it was all clear to me. I will bring the one thing I know these women lack, maybe since the time some of them were born. It is a gift that I received from my extensive, deep work on my shadow side that I do lately with the incredible coach Mariah Sievers . Softness.
We are the women of the new era: strong, efficient, goal-oriented, powerful and, do-it-all. What moves us forward in achieving our goals is determination and focus. This is how sometimes, we lose our softness. We lose being in the feminine, we lose our faith.
It’s jail. It is harsh and cold and grey. It contains rules, uniforms, tight schedule and commands. Women learn here, as they did before to survive, to play power games an,d to protect their inner self. But really, it is all an illusion.
Like many of these women, I too, put up my guard. A brick wall to keep me safe. And it worked, for many years. Growing up in a divorced home at the age of fourteen taking care of broken heart mother, and five siblings taught me to ignore my feelings. Living and hiding in the secrets of someone’s else’s addition showed me how to be the tough one, so no one will know.
Here, from jail, from all places in the world I proclaim, softens. Guards down!
Let down your guards which you hold on with your knuckles and bring back trust in something outside yourself because the opposite of fear is faith. Through the beauty of who you really are, of what your essence is, bring the softens within you. You will attract what is more powerful than any phase of ‘being the tough one’ you will attract life.
Try this:
Next time you want to say no to someone, pause. Think about the way you say no. Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean. You can still say no, but with a smile. With gratitude.
“Thank you for asking me, I am humbled….” Then say your “no”. With a genuine smile.
How different does it feel?
