Family drama is a touchy subject for many during the holiday season. Gathering ‘round the table to share food and stories sounds nice in theory until your aunt starts making comments about your lifestyle. She disapproves of how much you’ve changed and is not afraid to voice it to your entire family. What’s supposed to be a peaceful gathering can very quickly become a source of anxiety and stress, and you might leave the table feeling more than bitter.
But don’t worry. You aren’t alone.
Many of my clients tend to follow the same patterns during this time of the year; they go home for the holidays and return regretting it.
Of course, nobody wants to dread this special time of year, so here’s what you can do to walk away – mentally, but maybe even physically – from family drama.
Arrive to the Table Prepared
Family drama always arrives when you least expect it. Take preventative measures before you walk into your parents’ house and curate a mental checklist of what to talk about with your relatives. Maybe that aunt recently posted her new kitten on Instagram, and you’re dying to know what breed it is… or not! Either way, have it on hand, just in case.
You can also find ways to facilitate the conversation – lead them through storytelling and ask engaging questions when your family shares their recent experiences. After all, your family did gather to catch up with each other!
The trick is to find topics that you are genuinely interested in with just a tad of preparedness. That way, you can enjoy your dinner feeling mentally strong and ready.
Sit in Silence and Enjoy the Company… Family Drama-Free
If you aren’t the most talkative, that’s okay too. I have a handful of clients that tend to be on the introverted side of things.
The best piece of advice in this scenario is to just stick close to who you’re most comfortable with and listen to others with rapt attention. To be completely transparent, one of the best parts about Thanksgiving is the food. You might enjoy it while listening to your relatives’ talk and entertain. You get dinner and a show!
Many clients are able to stealthily avoid family drama by staying close to people they’re comfortable with. Maybe it’s who they arrived with or their favorite cousin they haven’t seen in a while. If you have your own comfort person, it might be best to hang around them. That way, you don’t need to engage in any unnecessary conversations without appearing cold or distant.
When tension arrives, you can avoid being caught in the crossfires of family drama by finding an excuse to exit. Check if there’s something is overcooked (or burning!) in the oven, or pretend to take a call and step outside for a minute or two. When you know you need to walk away, find the means to do so without drawing attention to yourself. It’s a lot more simple than you may think.
Don’t Overstay, Avoid Family Drama by Leaving
You can make your holidays a little more special if you find ways to make them personable outside your family. If staying over at your parents’ is something you’re dreading, try to find other places to rest at. Maybe a hometown friend is in the area and wants to spend time with you. Or, you could book an Airbnb and cozy up to recharge your social battery. It’s a physical walkout from any family drama that might happen; you’ll definitely thank yourself for it later.
Make it About You
…But not literally. There are ways to redirect a conversation when somebody is pointing fingers at you.
If someone is trying to rile you up by making unnecessary comments, making “I” statements works better for resolving conflict rather than quipping back at them. This is a method of asserting responsibility over your own actions and feelings without triggering a conflict spiral.
If your father disapproves of new hair color, for example, which one sounds less accusing?
“You need to stop being so judgmental about how my hair looks.”
versus:
“I like experimenting with new hair colors, and I’m a huge fan of mine right now. I appreciate your concern, but I promise I’m happy.”
The second one is far more likely to avoid deeper conflict. Yes, while it is important to acknowledge that others’ statements about you can be hurtful, it might be up to you to be the more secure party in these situations. Communicating with others openly and clearly is much better for forgiveness; you’ll find that most times, relatives don’t have genuine ill intent to hurt you.
It is important to remember that the deal with these tips involves being the bigger person. Saying “don’t stoop to their level” is very common, but it is with good reason! It’s a surefire way to avoid the family drama and tension at your Thanksgiving dinner, and let’s face it, you’ll go home being the more responsible party. It takes character to diffuse tense situations; if anyone can do it, it’s you! Be sure to practice self-love this season, and remember the only opinion about you that matters… is your own!