How to Recognize and Break Trauma Bonding!

Etel Leit

Trauma bonding is the number one reason people stay in toxic relationships. “I know he is not good for me, but still, it is so hard to let go.” “Our relationship is hot and cold, but I still cannot leave her ” are some of the main reasons ….. I hear from my clients and IG messages. How could it be? You probably ask yourself. How come people stay in a toxic relationship when they know it is toxic and harmful?

Breaking a Trauma Bond can be one of the most difficult acts of self-care. Did you know that you can form a strong emotional attachment to your abuser when you are in an abusive situation? This sounds crazy or even impossible, but it’s not. Trauma Bonds are very real and very toxic. Thankfully there are ways to break a Trauma Bond, and I am here to tell you how.

What is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a bond that is formed between a victim and their abuser. This abuse can range from a variety of things, including physical, sexual, or emotional. This trauma bond can keep someone in a toxic relationship sprouting intense attachment or codependence.

Why do people come back?

People are often drawn back or kept from leaving toxic relationships due to a powerful yet unhealthy bond. This causes people to lose their own sense of independence, self-needs, and values. A history of abuse can also make someone feel helpless, seeing their perpetrator as their only option.

How can you recognize it?

You can recognize a trauma bond through a variety of signs and symptoms. Examples include PTSD, strong emotional attachment, agreeing with the perpetrator, or even seeing someone trying to help as an enemy. Each of these can be an easy way to tell that an unhealthy trauma bond is forming.

How can you break a Trauma Bond?

In general, a trauma bond can be hard to recognize, especially by the victim themself. To help ease this struggle and recognize the bond, I am giving you a list of 5 ways to break a trauma bond!

Awareness – understanding why

It’s important to understand that people end up confusing a trauma bond to be confused for a loving relationship. Victims often see a twisted version of a toxic relationship in their heads. This can lead them to believe the relationship is healthy and nurturing. This prevents healthy boundaries and creates a lack of communication!

It’s important to break past this barrier and set yourself free!

Be accountable for someone else

You can’t be accountable for an abuser’s actions! Blaming yourself and trying to change your abusers’ actions is very harmful. Often in trauma bonds, your partner can convince you that the pain is your fault or what you want. This is not true! They are responsible for their own actions, and you can only control what you do next.

You also cannot hold on to hope of changing your abuser. Far too often people stick around to wait out the pain and see the rainbow. But often, the brighter times do not come. Sometimes your partner can have a condition or need professional help. The best thing you can do is get out.

Form Exit Plan

It is important to try to safely get out of a toxic relationship once you recognize it. Oftentimes people feel alone in these situations, but there are many resources available. The first for emergencies is 911, which can help in dangerous situations. Other hotlines like the National Domestic Violence Support hotline and the National Child Abuse Hotline can also help.

It is important to ensure that other trusted individuals know your plan and are willing to help. The plan must be effective and efficient to avoid any dangerous mistakes. At the end of the day, it is up to you to escape the toxicity once you recognize the trauma bond. Even if it is incredibly hard, it is also very necessary!

There are many other ways to break a trauma bond, but hopefully, these first 3 are a good start. It’s time to get rid of the toxicity and find peace!