The Lie We Tell Ourselves Every January
The Lie We Tell Ourselves Every January
“You probably don’t want it enough.”
That sentence followed me for years. Sometimes it came from other people. Sometimes it lived quietly inside my own head, dressed up as logic and self discipline. “If you really want something, you’ll make it happen.” And the truth is, I really did want it. I wanted a different relationship, healthier love, deeper emotional connection, a career that actually feels aligned, money that flows instead of getting stuck, a body I feel good in, and some quiet in my mind. Like so many people every January, I wrote long lists of New Year resolutions and intentions. And still, some of them never happened.
Not because I didn’t want them enough, but because desire alone is often misleading. Motivation can feel powerful and convincing, while quietly keeping us stuck in the same giving too much too fast in love patterns year after year.
The Lie We Tell Ourselves About Wanting More
Wanting something and choosing it are not the same thing, even though we like to pretend they are. Wanting feels active. Choosing requires movement. One keeps you thinking. The other asks you to change your behavior.
The Book That Waited Seven Years
Two months ago, I published my fifth book. Since my very first book, almost every other person I meet tells me, “One day I’ll write a book too.” It’s usually said in the same tone, half dream, half relief, as if naming the dream already counts as progress.
I never said that sentence. Not because I’m braver than anyone else, but because in my case, the book was already written. Fully finished. And hidden in a drawer for seven years.
For seven years, that book stayed there. Not because I didn’t believe in it, but because I believed in it too much. It felt like an exposed truth, the kind that asks you to stand behind yourself even when there’s noise, opinions, and people who don’t understand you right away. Fear doesn’t always scream. Sometimes it sounds responsible. Smart. Mature.
That same fear later shows up as a barrier in communication, where nothing dramatic happens, but everything slowly disconnects.
Fear Sounds Rational When It Wants to Protect You
So I did what many high functioning people do. I stayed productive. I published other books. I focused on work that already had approval and validation. I told myself it was about timing, maturity, and making smart choices.
Fear has a talent for disguising itself as wisdom.
January Doesn’t Reset Relationships. It Reveals Them.
Then January 2026 arrived.
Social media filled with familiar promises. Lose weight. Start working out. Quit your job. Find love. Make more money. Buy a house. Be calmer. Be clearer. Be more yourself.
These desires are not shallow. They come from real longing. Most people are not lazy or unmotivated. They are exhausted from trying the same thing and getting the same results, especially in relationships that feel harder after the holidays.
The Quiet Gap Between Wanting and Choosing
Between wanting change and choosing change, there is a quiet gap most people avoid looking at. That gap is uncomfortable because it asks for responsibility, not intention. It asks for action, not hope.
I see this gap clearly in couples who keep circling the same fights, the same misunderstandings, the same silence, without learning the boundaries that actually bring couples closer.
Why the First Step Changes Everything
That gap is the simplest and scariest thing in the world.
Taking the first step.
Not announcing it.
Not promising it.
Actually moving.
This is where most New Year resolutions fail. Not because people don’t want change, but because wanting and doing are not the same nervous system state. Real transformation in love, communication, and life begins with action and accountability, not motivation. Without learning how to set boundaries, even the best intentions dissolve under pressure.
When Action Finally Replaces Avoidance
Seven years later, I finally published the book that lived in my drawer. I didn’t do it alone. I chose accountability. I worked with someone who didn’t let me disappear into overthinking.
Once I committed to consistent action, the book was born. It reached the shelves of Barnes & Noble, had a major signing at The Grove in Los Angeles, and people still write to me about how it moved something in them. I still think about how long it waited for me, not with regret, but with clarity.
If Something Is Sitting in Your Drawer
I see this same dynamic in love. People want connection, intimacy, and safety, but without real communication, insight alone rarely creates change. Avoidance shows up quietly, until one day someone feels like the other person drives them crazy.
If you’re reading this and thinking about something sitting in your own drawer, you’re not alone. It might be a relationship you want to heal, love you want to attract, a boundary you want to set, or a version of yourself you’ve been postponing.
The issue is rarely desire.
It’s the missing first step.
A Different Kind of Beginning
This is why I created my first retreat. Not another resolution list, but a grounded, intentional space for people who are ready to move from talking about love to living it, through awareness, choice, and action.
👉 https://dretelleit.com/retreat
Being in the middle of change is not failure. Not knowing yet doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Some things take time because they truly matter.
