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Wanting change in a relationship is human, but forcing change is toxic. Oftentimes we can hold expectations for our relationship in our heads. When this begins to seem more like a fantasy than reality, it is easy to get upset! Although communicating your needs is important, we cannot force our partners to change.
Spending too much time waiting for your partner to “catch a hint” or “pick up the slack” is not healthy! After you have communicated your feelings and why you want change, it is their job! If they wanted to change they would, forcing change won’t fix them. Waiting on them can create resentment and waste your time. Instead change what you can, YOU!
What can you control?
You can truly only control yourself! This doesn’t mean you should change for your partner in unhealthy ways. As much as you can force them to change, they can;t force you! Instead you can change the standards you are willing to move. If your partner cannot be what you need, maybe it is time to move on!
We must recognize toxic relationships when we are in them, or we get stuck! Relationships are meant to be hard, but it is a team effort. You cannot be the only one fighting for a healthy bond. Forcing change will only create an illusion of a healthy relationship. This only creates more damage down the road!
How to avoid forcing change
Sometimes it can be hard to tell if we are forcing change. We can get lost in our own heads, and become so fixated on “fixing” our partners. But at the end of the day we have to either embrace our differences or let go of toxicity. Forcing change is not a solution!
In order to stop forcing change, there are a few helpful things to do! I have compiled a list of a few of these to help! Try out each of them and see if they create the change you’re looking for!
Find the real issue
Often we want our partners to change because of a specific reason. This can be anything from them spending too much time with friends, or leaving the lights on. But under all of these larger issues are usually more specific problems. Being upset about friends could be because you just miss your partner. Leaving on the lights could upset you because you wish they would be more aware of your feelings.
Each of these things are much simpler to solve if you find the root of the problem. Once you do this you can better communicate your feelings and work together to fix them. If you try to force your partner to change by targeting their friend hangouts, you’ll find little success! But, telling them you miss them, and would like more alone time might work better!
Lose the blame
Relationships are a team effort! Blaming your partner or vice versa will never lead to solutions. Instead view it as you two versus the problem. Working together will build closer bonds and allow for less conflict.
Go into conversations with an open mind, especially when it is uncomfortable! Change comes across much easier when it is encouraged instead of forced. Do your best to stay kind and supportive!
Is it worth it?
No one wants to think about ending a relationship! But sometimes keeping a toxic relationship afloat does more harm than good. It is important to stay true to yourself and make the right choice. Maybe your partner can serve you better as a friend, or maybe you need a new situation entirely. Whatever the case, it is important to take care of yourself! Reflect and ask yourself if this relationship is healthy for you. You cannot force your partner to change! Your wellbeing should be your top priority, no one else can fight for you better than you!
At the end of the day, relationships are hard! This is a known fact. But they get harder and harder the more communication goes neglected. It is important to do whatever you can to tell your partner how you feel, and ask for what you need. But forcing change leads to toxicity. Instead stay true to yourself and find your happiness!
